No one talks about how lonely it is at the top. I remember Maria telling me that. My mind was blown- because that is exactly how I can describe it. I was at the top owning a salon, and not knowing why I felt the way I felt. It’s so fucking lonely! I never thought I’d be where I am. Owning a salon, being responsible for others and having a good clientele. I’m not complaining, I’m grateful. I’m so grateful for where I am. I will forever be grateful that I have the opportunity to be where I am.
When I found out others wanted to work at my salon I was a little optimistic of new friendships forming. I’ve worked in salons where it was toxic and some where I made friends. You know how they say if they say “we’re like a family here” RUN. Well, I don’t think that phrase is bad at all. Family’s stick together. Families fight, and argue and have disagreements. But at the end they have each others back, right? I was expecting to work with people who want to be around each other- my family was never ever close but I had a vision of how I’d want a close friendship with people I work with or friends in general. It’s impossible tho, they look at you as the owner. Which isn’t bad. You need to have boundaries, in therapy I’m learning that. She asked me to ask myself why do you want these friendships so bad? I didn’t have a a answer but I just thought we’re around each other so much. I just assumed we would all be close. But I’m understanding and trying my best to understand the boundaries everyone wants.I have to be ok with that. As a owner, I want them to be happy and comfortable. Forming a friendship can cross boundaries- and it’s no fun when I have to lay the law down as a friend lol that’s why jazmine be doing it. I thought maybe if I was just myself – it would be ok. That people would just want to be my friend. . Things people say about me- makes me question if I’m a good person at all. Or am I just fake? And I just making up that I am a good person?? Sometimes I want to just take medication from a psychiatrist just so I can be numb and not take shit personal. So I can lose my personality that some seem to have a problem with. I think- if I died today.. what would anyone say about me? What positive words would be said ? ? Because – I hardly hear that part. How many times do I have to hear it from the same person to understand that I am good. You’re a good person. I am.
I’m trying my fucking hardest to be good. To be kind. To help others in need. I just wanted to be included. I manifest everyday to be kinder, to inspire.. I’m going to therapy, I’m getting my chakras aligned, I set good intentions & I fucking float to shut my negative thoughts off. Like ! I’m really trying! Cut me a break!!! It seems like when I’m “too much” it’s a problem. When I’m “too quiet” it’s a problem. When I’m being “too weird” it’s a problem. Wtf. Am I supposed to act to not be a issue?
I’m honest with who I am. I’m emotional and I have a resting bitch face- but if you really get to know me.. I’m kind. I don’t like seeing others suffer. I don’t like seeing people sad. If I have the space and money I’ll help strangers and friends. But people have this perception of me. That I’m miserable, angry all the time, that I hate my clients and a hater according to my brother. I’m not miserable, I’m just not trying to drown in my own emotions of feeling sad for no fucking reason- & i try. I try to not have those feelings. I journal, I cry, I try my best to not feel them. I’ve self harmed. I’ve seen a shaman and now I’m in therapy. I’m not angry- I’m protecting myself. I saw my younger brother get bullied and that’s because he allowed it. So being “angry” is my way of protecting myself. I don’t hate my clients- I don’t hate anyone. That’s a ugly ass word when directed at someone and to me it’s just as bad as saying cunt. I have boundaries.. and it’s not my fault that they get crossed and I have to repeat myself to full grown adults. I’m def not a hater- I give opinions like anyone else, I will cheer anyone on. I tell them that they can do it! I’m not a hater.
Like I said, people associate me with negativity. I wish i wasn’t perceived as that. Because I start to hate who I am. I start to believe everything said about me is true. That I’m miserable, a hater, crazy, emotional and whatever else. It’s hard for me to make friends, it’s hard for me to keep friends and I thought having a salon I’d have friends. But it’s lonely at the top. I try to tell myself not to take anything personal. But it’s the fear of not being chosen- it’s the fear of not being loved and it’s the fear of not being worthy of a good friendship that dims any optimistic outcome.
I have to detach myself from trying to make friends in a workplace. I’ve met some wonderful stylist friends outside of work. For example Gabe @styledbysifuentes he immediately gives off a aura of sunshine. I’ve met him twice but he gives off a very chill vibe. He likes to hike and I commented on a story and he suggested a hike! Usually I would say no. But this is something I should try. I need to get out of my comfort zone. So maybe I’ll make a post and we can all connect! Maybe talk about hair or maybe just get to know people outside of our profession. Another stylist friend who I have sat down with and talked is Maria @myhairfixtation I reached out to her one day because I didn’t know how to approach a situation at the salon- her being a veteran salon owner gave me some words of advise. She’s also very calm, cool and collected. I just remember thinking how is she not on edge with all the responsibility. I have friends- I’m just scared to make them with new people especially when I’m not around very often. I swear I have PTSD from friendships. Part of me is like- do I not have friends because I have boundaries? Do I not keep friends because as soon as I’m disrespected I don’t just forget about it- i hold a grudge? And think I want nothing to do with them. Or am I really this horrible friend.. I’m cordial with people even after they’ve done me dirty . I will never go out of my way to be rude. Doesn’t matter how angry I am. I’ll never say things that I may regret. If I get pushed to my limit I will defend myself. But as much as people think I’m a angry person- it takes a lot for me to say words that hurt.
Recently, something happened that made me cry. My friend Elibubba said she went thru something similar. She said she brushed it off after she talked about it because she knew what was said about her was not true. I cried, I felt what I had to feel- betrayal and just fucking hurt. All I did was be myself, and I guess im just this shitty person? Oscar said to not believe it because it’s not true. Flowers in his hands he knew how much this was going to burn into my tiny little brain-& I love him for always being a Sagittarius with his positive words lol just be happy. Jk. He says you’re are not what they say you are. Don’t believe it. Fuck them. When I got home I said my affirmations. I am kind, I am loved, I am a good person, I am emotional and it’s ok. I lighted a palo santo, and removed any negative thoughts and said things of me. I give too much to keep people around. I need to realize who I give my energy and time to. Because not everyone is worthy of it. I try to isolate and keep to myself so I’m not a burden but it seems to backfire. I’m always torn between trying harder and not trying at all.
I just wish people were kinder. 9 times out of 10 someone’s already self sabotaging.
Just being honest- 