Just being honest-

This year, I had one mental breakdown & cried on my actual birthday. I feel like I’m a burden around this time. I feel like I’m selfish for feeling how I feel. Every time a day where everyone celebrates and is showered with love is when I’m torn between allowing it into my life- or shutting everyone out. Which I know can get very tiring. It unsolved childhood trauma. It’s something I don’t think about except when it’s around my birthday. I remember calling my dad- and excitedly telling him what song I learned on the clarinet, and what books I started reading. Every year- I would call him to remind him about my birthday, to tell him how good I was doing in school. Jr at the time being the only male out of 7 of the many children my father had, had my dads attention even when my brother wanted nothing to do with him. juniors birthday landed 7 days after me.. and after I got the “good job Mija.” I’d get asked how my brother was doing. I have no idea how many times I stayed up for him, idk how many times I got stood up & how many times I believed his lies. I just know it’s something that I felt in my heart until this day. I remember always giving him the benefit of the doubt even when the lies didn’t make sense. I remember Christian my eldest brother telling my mom why she let him do that to me. It wasn’t until I was 15 that he said I wasn’t his daughter. Out of all of us I felt like I was the most responsible. I was 15 good kid- and I wasn’t pregnant like my other step sisters. I think what hurt the most is the fact that he was calling my mom a whore. That’s when I stopped calling. It’s a trauma that I cling onto every year.. like clockwork. I feel worthless. I don’t deserve love. A burden to everyone wanting to wish me a happy birthday. Today- my mom didn’t call me, she texted me. I asked if she can just make me a birthday dinner and she said she would be busy since it was last minute. I invited my brother to dinner and he said he’d come and then said mondays are hard. My old best friend that we reconciled but isn’t the same friendship sent a heartfelt message that prob would’ve made me feel better but I feel numb reading it. I tried my hardest not to cry. I didn’t want to disappoint O. He constantly reminds me how loved I am. But as I sat at the dinner table with him I couldn’t help but swell up with hot tears. Just like in the car I cried looking out the window like some sad ass song lol tryinh to hide from him seeing the sadness and emptiness I feel. I’m 31 and I feel like the child in me is waiting up until 2 am for that phone call. I didn’t expect a lot. But I didn’t expect nothing.