Just being honest-

2 months on the 7th of July. *she will be 3 months on the 7th of August.

I’ve been trying to finish this post for a minute. But mom life is happening so everything in my life takes 5-7 business days to complete. Lol

She was born on May 7th at 3:06 pm(I think) she’s a little stubborn taurus ♉️. I pushed her out in 5 minutes but labor was 30hours (I think) I had the best support system ever. Oscar was so attentive and kind. He constantly kept reassuring me that I was ok. The worry on his face made me love him more.

I thought I didn’t want anyone around for 2 weeks. I selfishly just wanted Camila to myself. I didn’t want anyone’s germs touching her. But as soon as I popped her out. I said “she’s perfect, maybe I will let everyone see her soon” and the next day we got visitors.

The amount of love I have received. WE have received was so beautiful. I’ve always been independent, I don’t like asking for help.. I don’t like taking help. But if I were to do this all over again(which I’m not!!! Idc what that psychic said when I was 18- little miss fortune 🔮 teller said I’d have one boy, one girl and she couldn’t tell the last one. .. crazy lady. ) if I were to do this again, I’d accept the help with open arms. I’d allow family to stay with us. I had friends visit, I had friends from far away send gift cards, my cousin constantly sending us things to make our life’s easier.. it was just so beautiful.

The text messages were overwhelming but I got thru them.. everyone congratulating us was amazing! I’ll be forever grateful.even DM’s from people on IG, some I didn’t know. But everyone saying happy Mother’s Day. It was honestly such a blur. But I do remember getting endless amount of love.

Coming home with a newborn was the most humbling thing that has ever happened to me. My anxiety was at its all time high, Oscar and I took turns watching Camila sleep. I was scared that she’d stop breathing. At one point I was scared that I was going to be sleep deprived for the rest of my life. I cried a lot at first. I wasn’t Sad- i was just constantly worried.

Reasons I cried :

I felt like I wasn’t loving camila enough

I was scared that Oscar was going to drop her when he took her a bath without our parents

I cried because my feet were so swollen

I cried because my breast were so tender. They were hot, hard and just HUGE!

I cried anytime Camila cried & I didn’t know how to comfort her, I don’t know how many times I filled my self with doubt.

I think I cried more in the first two weeks home of having her home than what I cried my whole 9 months of pregnancy.

I think the hardest part of post partum was coming home. A baby sleeps up to 18 hours . Luckily mine did. All I had to worry about was changing her and feeding her, and not make her cry. But my body- that was a different story. I struggled the most with my boobs. My boobs were hard as a rock and sensitive to the touch, I got a fever and I had no idea what was happening. My feet were so swollen that it made me uncomfortable, i cried at how tight they felt. How socks suffocated my feet, and how none of my shoes fit. I really thought that was going to last forever. My vagina had a tear, but to me that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part of my downstairs situation was the smell. You are tender, you’re bleeding and you smell. It didn’t matter how many times I washed myself. The smell wouldn’t go away. I constantly was sweating, which was new to me. My armpits had BO that i also couldn’t get rid of. But apparently you stink so your baby can find you.. at that point I’m like why did we cut the umbilical cord! My showers didn’t leave me feeling clean

Now the breastfeeding was def not what I imagined. I was pumping, and boy did that make me question my situation. You have to pump every two hours or your boobs will get so engorged and possibly get mastitis now mastitis is an infection that is so painful that sometimes you have to get surgery to break down the milk duck that are blocked. Every time i would pump, i would get so hungry as if I haven’t Ate for days. I was hooked to a machine that was hooked to a wall. You would think you have this little me time, but in reality, you’re so stressed out, so sleep deprived and so hungry-on top of that you have to listen to your baby cry but you can’t mess up your routine with pumping because if you do you might cause engorgement pain. You constantly smell of rotten milk. and you’re pretty much on a time schedule that prevents you from doing anything or if you do do something you have to take pump time into consideration. I’m pretty much split with time and I get about 15 seconds for myself.

There was so many times I would tell Oscar that I didn’t want to do it anymore but then your mom guilt sets in. . Why would I give her formula if I can provide milk for her, there’s nothing wrong with formula but to me if I was able to provide her with milk that my body was making for her why would I take a different route to make it easier on me ? She deserves the best. Even if I hate every minute of it. (Not even a speckle of joy comes to when I have to pump)

Breast-feeding constantly made me feel like I was failing. I felt like I had to have this huge milk stash in the freezer and I couldn’t keep up! It did not matter how much and how many times I pumped- it was like a black hole. I’d pump and pump all day and night and I’d get three bags but then by the night time I had to use those bags to use for the bottles for the night fillings and I couldn’t get anywhere I felt so defeated .

I felt so guilty because everyone said that the breast-feeding part is one of the most beautiful parts of having your baby because you have a connection to them, but I didn’t have the patience to just breast-feed her onto my boob the whole time. Plus I didn’t like that I couldn’t gauge how much she was eating and I felt like she was always hungry and then she would end up crying because she wasn’t eating enough. I started to feel some sort of resentment towards breast-feeding and there is a point where Camila was really cranky and I thought maybe she knew that I just didn’t like this part, on top of that I was very vocal how much I hated pumping. I would tell myself I was a bad mom, because I didn’t feel that beautiful feeling everyone did while they were breast-feeding . I would look into my daughter’s eyes and I would just think that there has to be an easier way for her to eat, without both of us crying. I look back I think I was just sad and maybe some sort of resentment that my life was changing. That my body was in pain, and I couldn’t take the pain away. The uncomfortable pain. The hard and hot boobs, the milk coming out when you just showered and you come out clean but your milk ducts have other plans for you- and it’s not like you can go back in to rinse because then the baby is crying. The not feeling clean, smelling like rotten milk, feeling sticky, having to moisturize your nipples, having to take supplements to prevent clogged ducts. It was just so fucking draining.

But we’re in a different chapter now. I have enough supply stash in my freezer. So that speckle of joy 🤩 is there. I open my freezer with pride. Look babe, look how much milk I have ! I show off my milk. Hey Claudia, did you see how much milk I have??? Trying to get my mom to crack a smile I HAVE NO IDEA where to put all this milk I pumped. I have gone down to pumping 2-3 times a day vs 6-8. I get frustrated once in a while and not all the time. I mostly get frustrated when I see that Oscar can just be on his phone, and his useless nipples are just there cute, little and pink. While mine are engorged, cracked, not a cute pink color and on a 8-5 schedule.

My daughter latches on to me- no nipple guards for us 😇and now I tear up when I see her eating and she looks at me with her beautiful eyes and says thank you with one look(or at least I take it as that) & when she pinches my thin boob skin by my armpit, I laugh at her teeny tiny fingernails that somehow cause pain. She’s at the point where she pulls my nipple so far out that I freak out, but also surprised by her strength. I love that I can pull out this bowling ball tit and i can bring her little comfort. When we both fall asleep and one titty is out and free to watch the sunrise is prob my favorite.

Newborn stage was rough. I questioned myself so many times. “Wtf am I doing?” But now I’m getting to enjoy every moment with her, being unconditional loved by such a tiny human. My little Kanye that only smiles at the fan and in the mornings. I can’t wait to experience everything with her.

Someone once said welcome to the only hood you can’t get out of- motherHOOD 💖