Checking in 1-2-3. I’ve been a mom for 8 months and 16 days. Right now, Camila is sleeping. Resting her big head on my right arms. She threw a tantrum (or I think it was a tantrum.. a I’m tired tantrum) before she finally knocked out. I hate when she knocks out after she cries. I just have to let her, and sometimes she wants my comfort and sometimes she doesn’t. After she’s done looking like boo boo the fool because she WAS tired.. I kiss her over and over and tell her I love her because for some reason I feel like it’s my fault she feels anything but happy. Sometimes I keep my lips close to her eyes and I’ll keep kissing her until she falls asleep. I have to remind myself that she won’t remember this. I will tho 😭 today is Thursday. We went to a mommy and me class. Isabel and hector and their son T met up with us there. We didn’t stay for play time because Camila was tired. She didn’t sleep very goodnight before. Camila is growing so fast. She has two front teeth now. I’ve had to trim her bangs. She knows how to say bye. Oscar and I will literally just look at her and say .. we had a whole ass baby. We have a kid??? We have a beautiful little girl.
She’s had a moment of hating the car seat. So I bought a different one. She still hated it. But she’s actually doing really good lately. I always have to tell her she’s doing a good job when we reach our destination. She just smiles back at me. She’s starting to realize that I’m not attached to her. That I can leave her behind. Luckily, she absolutely loves my mom.. so when I leave to work it’s not bad. But for some odd reason when Oscar takes her she screams bloody murder. She acts like IM the one who’s going to go grab milk and never come back. Like .. little girl. You have no idea! I would never do that to her. She’s over here taking her dad for granted. Like has absolutely no idea how she’s set for life with her dad! It’s like she wants to have trauma. Crying and shit. Those cries are something else tho. They sound like she’s telling me mom, come back. Don’t leave me! And the tears! They flood. Sometimes it can be overwhelming- I want to clean up but I can’t because she freaks out if she can’t see me. Sometimes I have those days where we just rot. But then I’m so overstimulated by the end of the night because I’ve been constantly touched, scratched, lip is getting pulled, skin tugging and just a whole lot of touching.
Ever since she stopped crying with the car seat it’s been easier for me to want to leave the house. I’ve just learned prob don’t go anywhere when I’m on my period. Because the little patience I have doesn’t exist when I’m on my period.
This journal is all over the place but we also took Camila to Mexico for Christmas, and recently we went to Seattle. It was cold. But she seemed to have a good time. At one point the three of us were in bed laying down.. watching tv. It was perfect.
I can’t help but be grateful that I’m here. I’m here with Oscar. Why a fkn trip. I’m here with him and my baby. The years go by and I don’t want them to end with them. We have such a perfect balance. The balance between Oscar and I is amazing. I never want it to get to a point where I’m not with him. He made me a mother, and the best part.. he tells me I’m a good mom.
Just being honest- 