I’m hoping this will help, I’ve tried my best to stay distracted so that I don’t cry. I’m scared. Every time I cry- I just think it’s it’s going to get worse after my second baby comes. I’m terrified to get post partum. What if I can’t crawl out of it, for the new baby, or for Camila.. for my self or for my relationship.
I see other stylist/ business owners on their second baby. We’re not far from each other and their first baby is around Camilas age too. They seem like they have it so together. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel angry and pity for myself. Do they feel like I feel? Like there will be no more Of me left.
Today as I watched Camila play, I cried and cried. I really don’t like crying in front of her but she just stared at me and said “hiiii” and then got really close to my face, confused as to why there was water coming down. She then proceeded to play with the tears running down.
Today, I was proud of myself tho. We woke up for a walk early in the morning. I made her lunch, and she fell asleep for her first and currently she’s on her second nap. I made us potato for a snack and right now she has ketchup all over her face. I also made a blueberry loaf. Part of me feels like I need a break- but if I stop. All these emotions hit me right in the damn face.
I have an ultra sound check at 6pm. Just to check on the baby. as if my sadness will affect her. But somehow I think it will. Just want to make sure her heart is still beating. I hope she can hear my internal thought about how this isn’t her fault, I’m not sad because of her. I’m scared. I don’t want to lose myself.
Just being honest- 