I’m supposedly 8 weeks, but when I went to get my sonogram they said I was 6 weeks and 7 days based on the length of my child. She said it was the size of a lentil(which eww because I hate lentils), even tho my baby is identifying as a raspberry according to the what to expect app.
We couldn’t wait to tell Oscar’s family, and we told them on a Friday. After they celebrated I believe their Jewish new years. I saw that Claudia seemed kind of sad that day (before we told her) I’m not sure if she just gets emotional during prayer. But she looked sad, which is not normal of her(she’s legit a ray of sunshine!!! I’m not used to it but I’m glad she’s like that). But I told Oscar “this is your family and I’ll let you decide if you’d like to tell them.” We sat on the couch and we each said something we’re grateful for I think. I got nervous and very shallow said “I love you guys” and I could feel my throat closing up. I wish I would’ve been able to say more. I wish I could’ve said “thank you for including me in your family and making me apart of it in such a short amount of time, thank you for making me feel like I’m good enough for your son, and just treating me so well. I’m happy I have such a bond with all of you, and they inspire me to be kinder and more positive.” Oscar said something along the lines of this year has been a good year, and that.. (I forgot because I was so nervous myself) but something about we’re going to be parents. It took a minute for everyone to understand what was going on especially Debbie, she was in the corner trying not to be in the video .. I see everyone slowly reacting and I look over at Debbie looking super confused. Everything after that was a blur. I just remember they all hugged Oscar and Debbie hugged me after she realized what was happening. Everyone had tears in their eyes. But I didn’t expect to get asked “how did it happen?” lmao I forget that part .. I forget that when you tell someone you’re pregnant they most likely will be thinking “theyyyyyy be fucking” lmao cus I think that. But I was NOT expecting “how did it happen!” Lmao I’m usually 👌 this close from giving the details of a full 2 minutes. 😉
In the end, everyone was super happy! Turns out Oscar’s dad Ben had a dream that I was pregnant way before we said anything. When I say his parents have been manifesting a baby.. idk what god they prayed to but it happened. The fact that everyone was happy made me happy. It made me feel like they didn’t doubt me as being a mother, a partner and part of the family.
As for telling my mom, that’s a different story. Now before I tell this part, I hold no grudges with my mom. I understand why she is the way she is. I have no doubt in my mind she’s love my baby unconditionally, but I had every right to be upset in the moment.
I had seen my mom a couple times after confirming I was pregnant. But I had no desire to tell her. At some points I forgot that I was even pregnant. Remember I said I don’t get excited about things? Well, I found out why. I decided that on October 1st I would tell my mom. Not because I was excited to tell her, or I just couldn’t keep a secret. I just wanted to get it over with. As we drove to my moms, i was very silent. It felt like it was taking forever to get to her house, and as we got closer – Oscar asked if everything was ok. I said yes and I pinched my wrist over and over. Getting closer to my moms, I told him don’t get offended by my moms reaction. Whatever her reaction is, I’m happy we’re here together & that’s all that matters. He said ok and smiled. Bless his soul, he’s literally so nonchalant about everything! Nothing can bother that man.
Passing the stop sign and 9 houses away I prayed to god to make me strong and not let me cry. I knew deep down I knew what might happen. But part of me was hoping it wouldn’t. Why was i hoping? Because.. when my brother told my mom that he was having a son with his baby mama .. my moms reaction was not good. AT ALL! When my brother told me I could tell he was hurt- even tho he expressed he was angry if you can’t be happy for my future son then don’t expect to be apart of his life. I remember my mom asking me “do you really think they’ll keep the baby from me” I said I would, if your going to be acting like that.. why would they trust you with their kid. Now my mom babysits him most of the time and she LOVES Aziel. So when I was planning on telling my mom part of me hoped she learned from her first reaction of having a grandson that she learned that her reactions can hurt people. Unfortunately, she did not learn. We were discussing a price of soap I owed her. When I decided to show her the ultrasound of my lentil baby that grew up to be idk what fruit at this point(they grow so fast). She just said who’s baby is that? (On the video you can see Oscar’s face so happy and excited) and I said that’s my baby. She sat back down away from us and made a disapproving noise and pretended like we just didn’t say this little baby was about to have all of us wrapped around her finger. I remember having my fingers crossed and closing my fist- it was as if that was stopping my true emotions from taking over. I swallowed the tears that wanted to start just incase they were tears of excitement but they were tears of disappointment. I didn’t even bother looking at Oscar. (I looked back at the video- and I cried so hard rn because I see the pain and confusion. . He was being strong for me too and I think I glanced at him because he gave me one of those winks that always makes me feel warm) it was silent for a second, and then I just looked at the receipt and said “so I owe you $16. I’ll add it to the check on Thursday” I couldn’t wait to fucking leave, even tho I felt strong for not crying. I couldn’t look at my mom or at Oscar but I knew I was being strong. It was surprising because I’m a Pisces, I cry about everything.. but ever since having this little one I feel calmer at things I’d overreact with. As we approached the car my mom awkwardly hugged me and congratulated me ( I felt numb and I felt sorry for her) she rubbed my stomach and said to take care of my self and the baby. I don’t think she said anything to Oscar, which annoyed me but I wanted to get out of there that I didn’t even want to look at her. We got in the car and immediately Oscar hugged me and he was crying. I’ve seen this man cry three times, this being 4th time. (When we broke up the first time, when his best friend passed, when he told his parents we were pregnant (tears of joy so those were good) and on oct 1st.) he held me and cried. I felt embarrassed. I angrily said “can we go, I don’t want to do this here” because I was scared my mom would come back out. Then I felt bad for my mom. She went inside her home all by herself left with news that I’m sure she feels guilty for not just being happy. Or congratulating us as soon as she heard. I try not not get mad at my mom, I wish I could heal her inner child, I wish she was loved properly as a child, as a teen and that my dad never hurt her. My mom is a good person, but her trauma stops her from expressing any form of positive love. When I asked oscar if he was ok he said he “it killed me when I saw how you felt” I thought I hid it well haha but even with my swallowed tears I guess it was all over my face.
In the end. It’s always just us three. Well three plus 4 (Monroe, Blue , Penny and Huck) Our child will be loved unconditionally and I will not be afraid to express or say it freely to them. I will always be proud of them and my words followed by actions will imprint into their souls!
My mom loves me but hardly says the words.
I love you.
My mom loves me by leaving me fruits at work to enjoy the next day.
My mom loves me by sharing her lunch with me.
My mom says I love you when she sends text messages of her reminiscing with pictures when I was young.
Her words are silent but her actions are loud.
When I say I’m craving fruit while looking at an empty fridge- she somehow makes a plate with tomatoes and oranges.
She loves me when she has had the same clothes for years but buys me a sweater.
She loves me when she makes my favorite dish and calls me to pick some up.
She never says it to me but I see her gleam when she speaks how proud she is of me to others.
I try to understand the silent love she has for me & how uncomfortable it is for her to say it. I know she wants to say it- but her actions are more than enough. Her inner child is safe with me while I suffer.
Little poem by me🫶
Just being honest- 