That I’ve been going thru a divorce. I don’t talk about it much because it’s embarrassing and it’s a enormous guilt I have to carry, my marriage lasted less than a year. I had a Britney Spears moment.
So .. that’s fucking sad. Here’s the kicker. I still live in the house with my ex. Even tho everything was fine and dandy at first- and everyone I told would make comments like “that’s crazy” “I could never” “that’s great that you guys can get along” I feel like now all of you fuckers just jinxed me. Because divorce brings something out of people. I didn’t think it would because we had that much “respect” for each other. But as soon as you sign those papers all that shit goes out the window. It’s understandable- they are most likely hurt and possibly angry more than anything. This shit is fucking crazy, would I do this again.. HELL NO! And the more time goes by the more we don’t get along. It’s hard. I’m never home, I hardly see my dogs because I never want to be home. I’m paying half of a mortgage to my own home where I just sleep and shower. I come home and immediately go to my room, I don’t cook here and I don’t get to enjoy my home. I don’t like inviting people over even tho I wish I could. I’m at work most of the time- but you know that feeling where you rather be anywhere else but home .. where you should feel happy or at least safe. I used to feel guilty because I tell myself I should’ve tried harder. But when someone who is supposed to have your back doesn’t it slowly drains you and I’m not the type of person who just puts up with it. I communicate and if shit don’t change and I’m not happy- I’ll do whatever I have to do to be happy. At one point I was taking Xanax just to numb everything I felt from forced family events. Being happy is important to me. I remember I would pray to just be happy. That’s how bad I wanted it. I used to think that was selfish of me, but we’re only here for 70 years if we’re lucky. So I’m going to try my best to do what I have to do to be happy. This is a PSA if you’re married your spouse should always come first! Fuckkkkk everybody else. Because at the end of the day- you’re partner is who’s going to be there for you. One day your parents will leave before you do, and one day your kids will go off and get married or do their own thing. When you’re at home, no one else is there but your spouse. That’s how I see it. I’m not saying my whole relationship was shit- I was in love. I was happy at one point for a long time. Marriage changed everything. Either way, I look back and I molded my self to be something I don’t think I was. I was extremely unhappy. I felt like I was conservative when I wasnt meant to be completely that. But the thing that ruined it was I wasn’t wanted by his family- & comments that don’t sting anymore but hurt like hell back then. They burned into my soul and even then he didn’t have my back. So if I ever catch his sister in the streets .. she better go home and sage herself after because ima give her the stinkiest eye ever!!!!!! There’s a lot more to this but I’m only sharing what I want.. for now.. I know I hurt him. Even tho right now I have so much angry feelings towards him. I’ll never forget when I wanted to KMS he held me. I cried everyday for 3 weeks and he did everything to try and make it right. He called therapist for me, doctors and even tried to ask for help from my friends. But I knew my relationship was over and I knew I didn’t want to hurt him, so I hurt myself instead. I cried in bed, I cried in the tub, I cried and screamed in my car. I was so desperate to get rid of my emotions that I cried at my moms feet while she crocheted. Nothing took away my pain, I knew we were doomed. I also knew I didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t have my back, where his family treated me like some fucking fungus and he could never just stand up to them. If your asking why I didn’t stand up for myself.. I just didn’t want to cause more problems. Calladita might be better. I didn’t say much, I but my tongue until it bled because I respected him. I knew how much his family meant to him. So I didn’t say shit.
Anywho, I’m in a relationship and this morning I was thinking about how grateful I am. His family absolutely loves me. His brother is something else sometimes (Virgo) but he’s chill- . His sister Debbie! (Scorpio) one: she gets along with my mom soooo good! They have inside jokes and it makes me happy! she also has some moods where she doesn’t want hugs! but I love her & I’m 96.3 % sure she has love for me. (Scorpios are nothing new to me)they have big hearts.. . She always gives me hugs, and is so thoughtful with gifts and text messages. His dad, his dad is funny because he be saying some out of pocket shit that I’m like lmao what! But he helped set up the electrical things at my salon without hesitation. Every Father’s Day I give him a stack of candies and he lights up like a child. His mom, she’s a ray of fucking sunshine. She babies the fuck out of my dude, well out of all her children.. and it’s annoying (but tbh she just loves them) but I’m just not used to seeing affection like that. Even tho I didn’t get a home made birthday cake, she has so much love for me(to be fair, she loves everyone). She makes me feel loved. I know she wishes we can be on the phone for hours (but that ain’t me) but I know if I was .. we’d be on the phone all day. She makes me feel so welcomed in the family- and even tho she wants grandkids for her own selfish reason lol the fact that she’s always asking me .. instead of telling people that I shouldn’t have kids because “Los ninos son los que sufren” my ex mother in law would always tel people that.. as if I wasn’t a product of a separated family. The moment she said that to a-lot of their family made me realize I never wanted to bring a kid into this world with someone who couldnt accept me. I couldn’t bare thinking that there was a possibility of my future kids getting treated with anything but love. I remember when we told them we were engaged the first thing she said “now you can get your papers (talking about her son) and visit Mexico and see your family” then she looked at me and said “ thank you for doing this” like that was the only reason we wanted to get married. The dad stepped in (teary eyed) congratulated us and said “ mayra you’d come with us to Mexico too” and for a moment my excitement had diminished. I can’t stand not being included, it’s rude. Especially when I’m right fucking there. Anyways, I have grown. I feel like when I have a issue I’m more comfortable and confident to speak up. Claudia makes me feel safe enough to speak up without making me feel crazy or just taking her sons side.
I’m happy right now. Will it last forever ? I don’t know. I ask myself that everyday. Will I be happy in 7 years? I’m not fucking sure. I hope I am happy and that the person I’m with is just as happy. I just know -I don’t ever want to settle for anything less than I deserve. I deserve to be loved, and fought for and I’m a good person. I’m not perfect. But I’m a good person. I deserve to be loved and accepted by a family I choose. Moral of the story. Don’t get divorced and live in the same house. Mute people that upset you and communicate with your partner on your needs.
Amen.
To my dude. Pay attention to others mistakes so I don’t blog about you in the future. Jk not really. Thank you for always being down for adventures. For listening to my needs, and making me feel apart of your family. Thank you for always letting me be passenger princess, grabbing groceries, peeling every cutie, carrying all the heavy shit during hikes, eats every dinner I make, washes dishes, visiting my brother and my nephew, hanging with my mom, cuddles during rides, not celebrating Christmas, being the salons janitor and telling me “have you tried to just not be sad” in the middle of a depressive ass meltdown. 🫶
Just being honest- 