Depression feels like a little hammer banging against your head but not wanting to do anything about it because you don’t have the energy to fix it. The tears feel good falling down your face to cover the shame and embarrassment that you feel. The second hand embarrassment that feels like heat is taking over your face. So the cool tears feel like small little hugs. Sometimes your throat feels dry, even tho you haven’t spoken. Your jaw is sore from clenching- you’d think I would have at least a nice jawline. The worst is the thoughts. “You don’t mean anything to anyone, you aren’t loved, you’ll never be loved, you have no friends, no one likes you, you could disappear and no one will have anything good to say about you.” Encouraging words from people that love you make you cry and you still ask “do you love me?” Distractions can only do so much, because at the end of the night you’ll feel everything all at once. I wish I could call a friend- but I don’t want to bother anyone. I sometimes wish .. I wasn’t the way I was.. maybe I’d have more people to lean on. I want to stay in my room all day, and night and let the days go by. I’ll survive off candy and some sips of water. I don’t even want my dogs around- fuck I haven’t fed them and it’s 4pm AND we went on a two hour hike. I don’t want to get out of my room tho. The window is open so I’m hoping this day of sunshine hitting my cheeks will give me some type of dopamine and make this depression slightly go away.
I really hate it here right now.
Remember to reach out. It’s hard for me to reach out because I feel like a burden. But these kind words remind me what friends are for.
Just being honest- 