January 17

I started journaling, it’s part of my daily morning and night routine. It’s daily affirmations I set for the day, what I’m grateful for, highlights of the day, what would make today great and what I learned for the day. I notice that for the last 7 days everything I want for myself to be better my business is involved. I’ve been incorporating models at the salon- so that I don’t feel stuck in a box. My creative freedom is flowing thru my models. I used to want to get paid for people being my models- but I just cut out the middle man($) and got straight to the point. FREE haircut FREE color – I get 100% creative freedom. That’s the cost of sitting in my chair and getting a $200+ service for free. I did Ben’s hair- a bad ass yellow-lime green. Then I did this guys a bright yellow color block- Brandon. He was super sweet, little chatter box. I feel bad when people want to talk. I’m there to have a connection with everyone who sits in my chair, but I’m also there to work and give it my all. It’s my fault my brain doesn’t know how to multi task and have a decent conversation with people who sit in my chair. Brandon had just gotten in a motorcycle accident and showed me how his leg broke- I could still see that scars on his hands from the slide he prob took to the pavement. Tomorrow I have another client- I’m excited because I’m thinking of doing a lived In pixie. And a small tiny color block is what I’m thinking.

I’ve been happy lately- but I can slowly feel it wanting to pull me back. Part of me wants to not get pulled back- well all of me doesn’t want to get pulled back at all. I can feel myself reacting and being snappy with people I love, I find myself pushing and pulling away even when I don’t want to. I see comfort in my bed, and I’m avoiding sitting in the tub.. (my crying space) I caught myself going on float state schedule to see when I can get in the bath salts to have the universe or who ever align my chakras so that I don’t fall into this pit of sadness. I feel tired. I’m sleepy- and I just want to sleep. As my mom used to say when I was younger and I had no idea what it meant until I was older “I just want to sleep and never wake up.” Except… I just want to sleep and wake up when the feeling is over. The sad thing about being happy when you get triggered into depression is that you can never truly enjoy just being happy- I have a constant fear of having a time limit to my happiness.. because I know when the come down happens.. just as happy as I was.. that’s how sad I will be.

Having a business and having your face plastered on social media means you will be found even when you don’t want to be found. Everything I own doesn’t have my full name. I don’t want family finding me in my business. They always want free shit anyways- and they don’t even bother supporting you. Everything I have is under “M” or “Emm Eyyy” aka MA. There’s a reason, I don’t want to be found by people who have hurt me. Not talking physical assault. I’m talking about people who have robbed me from things I don’t really talk about. Today on my salons Instagram page a “cousin” followed me. I have her blocked on my fb, personal IG and my personal business page.. it’s been 3 years since I’ve blocked her- then she goes and finds my salons page (she is deliberately looking for me, because no one from my dads side follows me) she followed S13S and then Cory and Rebecca. It made me mad, that people are able to just find me like that. I blocked her- and I tried my best to not let it affect me at work. I couldn’t help but be very quiet with Saira during her appt. Even her smiling in the mirror and saying how much she loved her hair.. didn’t cheer me up. I promise it wasn’t you – it’s me. I just kept asking myself why she would possibly want. My last client Nayelli came in- sweet as can be. She did all the talking. She asked me questions and between each pause after I answered her questions.. I was just trying to remember where it happened.. and what exactly happened. I zoned out and decided to not bring my problems to work. I was able to finish my day, as I sat at the salons desk- I cried. I cried because I was holding it in since I saw her name.. I don’t want her talking about my business or my name to anyone. I asked the girls to block her- and it was done. Today could’ve been good. Chealseas hair came out super beautiful, and saira and Nayelli were so patient with me. I guess I should be grateful for that:) – long story short. I have no idea where I was going with this.