Burning bridges

“I can love you with every ounce of my body & protect you with boldness that cannot be ignored, but I refuse to leave my heart or life open to anyone who doesn’t value their place in it.” MRO

Yesterday, I was told by someone that “I was dead to them.” As I get older, I realize that setting boundaries for friendships, work, family.. just anyone that hold space in your life is extremely important. Be who you are and love as hard as you can with anyone- but remember the love and respect should be reciprocated. I sit here and think am I imagining the kind of person I am? Or am I really a shitty person. I’m not perfect. I’ve done mistakes. But I know that I’m not a malicious human. I am kind to those I respect, and even those I don’t like .. I’m cordial. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I guess I wish I could say things that go something like this.

Dear you, I never appreciated you telling people what kind of person I was in school- because that wasn’t me- “she hated me in HS” comment ALWAYS- annoyed me because you never said why I disliked you. You stepped all over me and left a trail. You blocked me but played with my emotions by posting me like I wasn’t blocked, threw my mistakes in my face, took for granted the fact that my clients pulled thru to help you, and still had the nerve to say I was never there for you, that “I drain you” and you’re sick of my shit. But yesterday was the last straw- I’m dead to you. Bury me far far away, and when you think of all the good memories remember how many times you failed me. Because when I wanted to leave this world .. you never checked on me, never came to visit me or try to distract me… meanwhile your world came crashing down I did everything that I could to help you get by a little.. the funny thing is.. I’m not great with abandonment when I don’t deserve it. It tears me apart, I question why I’m not good enough to fight for- and when I’m insecure I’ll do everything to have you in my life. But I’m more than confident who I am, what I did and why I did it.. “you’re dead.” Was just a push to keep you out of my life- and every time I think “this can’t get any worse.” You find a way to demolish a burnt bridge. I can love like no other, but once I’m done .. I am done and there’s no turning back.

I am dead to you- but alive for those who appreciate and cherish my existence. Keep your flowers when you miss me- because I don’t want them anywhere near me. Maybe one day we can sit down and talk- but it will never be the same. I was left when I specifically said to not push me away. I was hurt and I can maybe forgive but never forget words that cut till this day.