Erasing my emotions

Would be better than thinking what I can do to get rid of them. I used to think .. I hope I just get into a car accident and feel physical pain than emotional pain. My mother used to say “ I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.” And at a young age I never understood. I thought it meant she was just tired, and she needed rest. Little did I know she was battling her own demons and didn’t know how to process it. I’m here with these familiar emotions of being angry, and sad. I feel shame for taking my life for granted. I own a home, I have three amazing pets, I own a business and I’m breathing. So why am I always angry. Why am I always wanting more.. why do I question why I’m here, if I’m a good person and am I worthy to be here. I can’t remember my childhood, other than the stuff my mom says. I was “necia.” And I caused trouble, I was nosey. I remember stealing, lying and being cruel. Now- I don’t steal, I don’t lie but I feel cruel. I remember my sophomore year in high school was really my first time being depressed.. and I had no idea what was going on. I remember I asked if I could go to the restroom and I just walked around the whole school wanting to die, and crying that I was thinking about that. I remember I was wearing a black sweater.. and I remember touching the hot rail. I remember not knowing why I would think that. I remember crying in my friends car telling her how I had thoughts, thoughts of dying and she told me to talk to my mom.. but instead I self harmed and found a relief thru that. Everything else is a blur. At 18- at work everyone said I always seemed happy.. then I slowly started turning into this ball of hate. Now I’m here upset about how things always turn out. Father’s Day doesn’t upset me- because I don’t celebrate nor do I care to .. so somehow I’m not sad lol what upsets me is I don’t have my best friend, and i have so much rage that I don’t even want to fucking be here. I don’t want to see her name, see her pictures, I want nothing to do with her- but yet I want to text her, I want her to call me, I want to hug her and tell her I miss her even tho the friendship wasn’t evenly distributed. Comfort will destroy your emotions. I just know I’m tired of clenching my jaw, I’m tired of trying to crack my neck and nothing cracks, I’m tired of being so hateful. Im tired. I know that’s not me. And I hate feeling anything but happiness. I hate it.