I’ve been wanting to cry, I sit in my trusty old bath tub and I can feel the emotions of wanting to cry. I have this pain that slowly creeps into my throat and I can hear a whimper- but nothing comes out and I’m left feeling worse for not allowing myself to let go. I’ve zoned out a couple times. I thought I was in the tub for hours but only 6 minutes went by. By the time I got out .. I realized I didn’t even wash my hair or my body. I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be anywhere but my bed with my dogs. All I’ve been thinking about is if I’m really a shitty person, I must be. Because I get into these situations where people don’t love me enough. My dad never stuck around and for some odd reason had to add salt to the wound and say I wasn’t his daughter, Francisco’s sister specifically was rooting for our failed relationship and to add salt to the wound she said she hated me. Now I’m waiting for her to apologize. To say she was sorry. Because it’s one thing to say “you’re not my daughter.” When they were never a father to begin with so.. I’ll deal with that trauma later lol it’s one thing to root for my failed relationship and say you hate me- because I could’ve tried harder… and I could’ve just reached over the table and punched her for disrespecting me in my own home. But having a “best friend” say that you are dead to then. Like, what now? I’ve been waiting for a apology since April. As I watch you painfully go through life as best as you can- I’m watching from far away not being able to be there. But you now have friends that you give your time to. While I watch them tag you, while I have to answer to peoples questions about why were not talking, and somehow I’m made out to be a issue? “Y’all will talk again, you guys are bffs” nah. Friends don’t say that. & even being drunk. The next day you call and you apologize to the one person who was there. I’ve been holding in this pain, this confused emotion of wether I miss you or if I can’r believe I’m hated this much.. I am a shitty person. I’m always “angry” I’m always “upset” I’m always “sad” I just want to be loved how I love.
“I hope you know how special you are to me” “I owe a lot of my healing to you”
“I really only would be the better me I am today because if all of your efforts, love and care.”
I finally cried. It’s been months. You are not blocked from my phone. I waited for a call, or a text. Because I deserve that much. I deserve a apology.
Now that I’m understanding where I stand. As the days go by. I don’t care for an apology. because if someone means THAT much to you. A apology would’ve been made months ago.. hours after you made mistake. The days go by I get sadder, and madder at the fact that my friendship and love was taken for granted. I miss my friend, but friends don’t let months go by like this knowing that hurtful things were said.
Just being honest- 