Something I don’t really talk about is my drive. I have to remind myself how badass i am that I’m capable of achieving shit. My drive comes from people doubting me and a lack of validation. I’m Mexican- so the communication part did not hit this family.
I am the youngest of 3 kids. I have two older brothers. My mother raised the three of us all on her own. From what I know (because I don’t really ask) is my piece of shit father would verbally and physically abuse my mom. He would constantly cheat on her and now I have like 12 step sister all from different mom’s. I haven’t talked to him in 15 years. I never had a relationship with him.. nor do I care to have one with him. He can drop dead and I really wouldn’t give two fucks. Hashtag trauma.
My mom was born in 1952. She’s 71 years young & I say that because she looks so good for her age. I wish she knew how beautiful she is. My mom is my inspiration. Like I said she raised three of us all on her own. Shes a Scorpio and I’m a Pisces and according to the stars alignment and shit we should be BFF’s but in reality we would wake up and think of ways to start beef with each other. I don’t hold anything against my mother. I know she did her best. I understand she didn’t know how to show affection towards us. But I know.. I know my mom would give her life for us.. in order lol so Christian always comes first, he’s the oldest of three and then I want to say jr and I are equally in 2nd. But if I was honest.. I’d say I’d be last.. mostly because I know – that she knows .. that I’ll find a way to overcome anything.
Growing up- I want to say out of the 3 of us.. she probably thought I’d be a lost cause lol I was a trouble maker. I’d get my ass beat up and down the street. It didn’t matter where we were and who was watching. CPS showed up at the house once as I was riding my bike and my mom was upset that they only way she could beat me according to the law was a slap to the bum. No more leather belt.. I mean I still got the belt but then I’d get a smart ass comment how if I snitched I’d be given a new family. Even tho my brothers wanted nothing to do with me and the belt and I were bff’s .. I did not want a new family.
Fast forward to high school. I got expelled from school for smoking the devil’s lettuce. Shout out to Marlene Salazar (prob the best high school friendship I ever had- also just purely good memories) when I got expelled my mom picked me up from school, the counselor told her that I had a half naked girl picture in my folder (it was a model- the chic from one tree hill I think Michelle Barton) anyways I just thought she was pretty.. he told my mom that I might be a lesbian(which btw fuck that counselor me. Cornejo at patriot high school) he also told my mom “the way I was going” I wouldn’t amount to anything. My mom didn’t yell at me in the car, she did not beat my ass.. she didn’t even get on the phone to tell everyone what I did. She just said if I liked girls, that it was ok and she’d still love me. (Which I didn’t lol) and then she said I expected this from your brothers, never you. The dreaded I’m disappointed speech are the ones that always hurt the most. There’s no yelling, there’s no repeating.. there’s nothing but 20 words max. Then she asked if I was hungry. That’s what I mean by .. my mom loved me – she never hugged. She never kissed us.. hardly said she was proud of us. But I knew she loved us.
After I got expelled, I decided that I never wanted to make my mom feel that sad. Her little eyes of disappointment were burnt into my core memory. I eventually went back to normal school. I worked hard. I didn’t and still don’t ask for help when I need it. I got my first brand new car when I was 19 with no co-signer.. and when I would doubt myself telling my mom “what if I can’t make the payment…” my mom would say “don’t say you can’t! YOU ARE & you will make them.” Even when I told her “I don’t have a license” she said “you’ll get it after.” Now that I think about it .. I get that impulsiveness of “DO IT NOW! Figure it out later” from my mom.
I absolutely always doubt myself! But to stay humble. Because I know no matter what i put myself through- I’ll figure it out. Growing up like I said my mom and I were never ever close. I went to cosmetology school and she never once showed up if I needed models. She didn’t show up for my graduation – and when I opened at the sola salon she came 1 time to help me move things in and complained how the room seemed demonic because the business name was vicious and my esthetic was black lol she left me a santo to bless my business but she never came around after that.
When I opened my salon, I didn’t tell her much. I didn’t tell my family anything. They were never really there for me so I kept all my achievements to myself. I wasn’t expecting validation from them. So when I opened my salon- the first time my mom went was for the grand opening. Even my brother just showed up in the middle of remodeling – uninvited. I felt shame that he was there- I felt guilty that I didn’t include any of my family into it. I feel guilty that I always want to celebrate alone. For the grand opening- my mom didn’t say anything to me, she was just shy and she hid in my private room. But recoding everything to show her sisters in Mexico- again, without her using her words I knew she was proud of me. I over heard her talking to Oscar’s mom. Claudia telling my mom how proud my mom must be of me. My mom smiling saying “yes, she does it on her own. I never had to worry about her- she’s always been independent & luchadora.” Inner child of Mayra smiled- I felt warm. I wish she knew how much she inspires me. My mom overcame a abuser- she worked endlessly, a hustlers mentality and always put us first. She went from depending on a man, not being allowed to work or drive and being seen only as a object. To learning to drive, getting jobs, starting her own business, owning a car and a house all on her mother fucking self! My mom showed me that I didn’t need nobody on my corner to achieve what I have. If I want it- I’ll get it. Struggling is ok.. but you will never see us fail. What I have is MINE. Because of me and always will be me.
Now my mom comes to my salon 2 times a week. Not because she wants to lol but because she has a job at the salon. She takes care of my plants, she randomly leaves fruit for me, she gives me the better towels lol, constantly moves my shit around from where I want it and now let’s me cut her hair.. today she actually asked me when can I fit her in lol(another day for that story of how she never let me cut her hair)
My drive comes from so many angles. Her being one of the most important ones. Validation is an amazing feeling- but it is not needed. People’s actions can be validations and remember everyone’s love language is different.
Just being honest- 